Ouch.

I hope this turns out for the best for all concerned.

Since no one knows anything apparently, and the police departments are not broadcasting what they know, all I can do is hope for the best for Freddy and the young woman in the story.

Damn, this just sucks.

And if THIS doesn't make you...

... want the Toon to go down, nothing will.

Hide the women and children:

The CarToon Army

I swear to God, I wrote this about a week ago, before that nitwit Shearer took the Toon position:

One of the fun things about this game is that, in addition to whatever team you may back vociferously and without hesitation, is the passionate dislike of other teams that really fry your eggs. I have three like that -- Chelsea, Juventus, and Newcastle United.

Now, the less said about the first two the better, at least today, but seeing Newcastle out of the relegation places on goal difference as we start the day has me brazenly rooting for them to go down. Good God, a year without them would just make me soooo happy.

How do I loathe thee Newcastle? In no particular order, let me count the ways.

1) The beer. Newcastle Brown Ale is the most expensive 6 pack that I ever see at my local grocery store, and the funny thing is that it isn't that good. It's not down at the level of Miller or Coors, but for what they charge you, I expect more! Even worse, I hear the occasional Newcastle fan saying that their introduction to the team is through the beer.

That slays me. The marketing department at the beer must be tickled black and white. I can hear them now. "Blimey, old chaps! How can we increase the brand recognition between our bottled swill and the mediocrity that is Newcastle United Football Club? I know! They'll both leave you sorry you didn't choose something else. I reckon that is our new commercial, old chaps! Newcastle, you can do better, but we need the business. Ta-ra!"

2) The constant whining of their fans. As a Yank, I've heard it all before. I heard 86 years of it from Boston Red Sox fans before 2004 and their constant gloating after they won it. Over eighty years and counting. The great choke job of 1996. How Kevin Keegan lost his bearings under the pressure. Jeez, Kev, Sir Alex got so far inside your head that he knew what you were thinking before you did. Way to lead the team, gaffer. What a steadying hand.

The other thing is how they are the most loyal fans and have followed their team with sellout crowds since World War II. Enough already! Look at 1990-91. 16,000 fans in a stadium that seats 52,000 plus. Of course, they were in the old Division 2 then, but that shouldn't have been an obstacle to their loyal fans willing to go through hell and high water to see them. There must have been armed guards outside St. James Park keeping fans from entering through the gates. That had to be why no one came.

3) The fact that 32 teams have won hardware since the Toon won the FA Cup in 1955 is just too funny to me. Leviathans such as Swindon Town and Luton Town have won pots since then. But a club that imagines it should be winning Premierships and making noise in Europe has won nothing at all. I heard that thieves broke into the Newcastle trophy room over the weekend. Police are on the lookout for two men carrying a black and white carpet.

4) Kevin Keegan is, admittingly, a paradox for me. He helped lead Fulham out of the depths of the Football League, after all. But I always think of him as the Toon manager who does not have the poise to go against the big boys and who let Ferguson get so far inside his head that Ferguson knew what went on in King Kevin's head before Keegan did. He's the clown who bleeds for the Toon yet did nothing to rectify the disastrous form they were in last year and this year. He's the Eva Peron of footy managers. No one knows why they like him, only that they do.

5) The pure fun of rooting against a team as passionately as rooting for yours. See, in America, I think we are pretty lucky. I live in Cleveland Ohio and am a huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan. I can (and do) flap my gums with impunity about my team being the SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS in enemy territory and don't have to worry as, say, if I were a River Plate fan in a neighborhood where everyone supports Boca Juniors. The worst thing that will happen is someone will question my heritage or sexual preference, and that will be that. No one is going to shank me or go all Millwall on me for ranting against a team. (It's not advised if you do -- I was a combat military policeman who served in Iraq and am still have contacts in local police departments.) I am just glad that the team that frosts my beer glass is a team that is as overrated in every aspect as the CarToon. Please go down and never come back, and take your overrated tabloid nonsense with you, Bad Soap Opera FC.

This Alan Shearer crap has hit my pristine evening after a day that started at 0430. I'll have to compose a rant on him tomorrow.

Relegate the Toon!!!

Johnny Cash loves Fulham

OK, my title is undoubtedly a piece of rot.

But this is meant to be sung to Ghost Riders in the Sky:

Sir Alex came to Fulham thinking three points for Man Yoo
Just put out a team of all-stars, that's all he had to do...
But Paul Scholes got a red card for playing volleyball that day.
Murphy drilled the spot kick, and the Whites were on their way.

Yippie Kai Yo
Yippie Kai Yay
Hear Man Uniiiiiii ted cryyyyyyyyyyy

Zamora was on fire, Danny Murphy was the same
The Hangman, Hughes and Schwarzer knocked United off their game...
That Pretty Pissant Nancy Boy kept whining about no-calls
Then Gera hit a blinder, and the Whites fans climbed the walls

Yippie Kai yo
Yippie Kai Yay
Hear Man Uniiiiiii ted cry

Two nil to the Fulham we all smelled a victory
Potato faced Wayne Rooney was as dumb as he could be.
Give that punk a red card, send him back from where he came
He'll only hurt the corner flag, and Fulham wins the game

Yippie Kai Yo
Yippie Kai Yay
Hear Man Uniiiiiii ted cry

Hear Man Uniiiiiii ted cry

You couldn't make this up

John Terry's mother and mother in law have been arrested for shoplifting.

It's nice to see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

A Few days later

... Well, well, well. Fulham 2, The Invincible Almighty Steamrolling Man-By-God-Chester United 0. A bagel. Donut. Nil. What an unequivocally great sports day.

There were so many great memories, I don't know where to start, but let's try the opening kickoff.

1) -- A 3-0 loss at Old Trafford and 4-0 loss in the FA Cup at the Cottage? Ancient history. United is short Nemanja Vidic, serving a suspension for a red card (and boy did that make me happy -- I think he is the best player in the league this year). Still, they are deep enough to play BETTER THAN THEY WERE IN THE FIRST HALF!!! 15 minutes into the game, Fulham is whipping them pillar to post.


2) -- It's almost too easy to take a shot at Scholes. All I'll say is this to the future volleyball captain of England -- seeing him in the highlights as he marched off after he received his red, knowing that he fully earned it and that he unsurprisingly opted to be a professional and walk off the pitch with his head held as high as he could manage, well, I actually felt a little sorry for him. I stated my admiration for Giggs and Scholes in previous posts. I felt so sorry for him that I laughed at him all the way into the dressing room. Not so much for Giggsy, who had a lousy game. I didn't hear his name called once. But I later felt for Scholes.


Maybe Bobby Zamora doesn't because that would have been his goal and the Z-man has had all too few of those. Fear not, Bobby Z, you've had some excellent games this year with efforts that don't show on the scoresheet. This was foremost among them.

3) -- Danny Murphy took an A+ level penalty kick -- high and in the corner. If Van Der Sar guessed correctly on the direction, he still doesn't save that kick. 1-0 to the Good Guys.

4) --We drilled United for the rest of the first half. That was a lot of fun to watch. Unfortunately Cristina the Ballerina was a primadonna bitch the whole first half and the whole game. He should have got a red for that tackle on Murphy. Period. He should have gotten a second yellow for dissent and generally being a p***y in the second half. I hope he f****s off to Real Madrid this summer. English soccer has had enough of him.

5) Seeing how Fulham survived a 10 on 11 onslaught after Rooney was introduced to the game. Schwarzer pulled off a wonderful double save, with the second one being more luck than anything else -- he couldn't lift his plant foot quickly enough, luckily for all things Fulham. You gotta have luck against Man Yoo. and you get that by being damn good and placing yourself in a position to get a fortunate break. Mission accomplished.

6) -- What a great goal by Gera. Great give and go with Johnson, pops the rock up to shoulder level and unleashes an unstoppable overhead kick. My favorite thing about it is in the aftermath. Look at the faces of anticipation in the background. The blond girl in the second row, with her mouth open in midscream -- what a great shot. The dark complexioned gentleman over Gera's right hand -- same thing. Even the steward in the orange jacket trying not to look happy. I personally got so excited I started hyperventilating and kissing everyone in my house. OK, it was just my wife and son, but still, you get the idea.

7) The funniest thing of the day was right after Gera does his backflip, I inadvertently kill my feed. You're welcome, Wayne Rooney. BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE YOU SNAP LIKE A TWIG AND BEHAVE LIKE A TOTAL JACKASS!!! YOU MORON!!! THAT TATTOO ON YOUR DIRTY ARM, JUST ENOUGH EDUCATION TO PERFORM? HOW ABOUT GETTING A NEW ONE -- TOO STUPID TO HOLD MY POISE!!!

Twenty three years old and still with the grace under pressure of a 16 year old brat. Hey England, good luck riding his train into the World Cup. It ain't a question of if, but when, he loses his mind and throws the whole team's train off the tracks.

How pumped I was. Thanks loads to the players and to Roy, Ray, his staff, MAF, and everyone else for a day that will never fade from the memory banks. Man Yoo may still win everything there is to win this year. I'll take last Saturday, thank you very much.

We're winning awaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Bolton 1 Fulham 3?!?! We've won away!!! Sure doesn't happen often, so let's party like it's 1999 until it happens again.

I think one of the funniest moments of the game that didn't involve the Bolton back 4 was seeing Gary Megson's face after each of our goals. He looked like he was trying to pass last night's hot wings out of his system. And the process was not going well.

Andy Johnson's first goal was an absolute thing of beauty, a surefire Goal of the Year nominee, and one of the reasons we watch this game. OK, I made all of that up. But they all count the same! If Bolton's back four is going to pass out gifts like Christmas in March, who are we to say no? We can't beat anyone away, we'll take it!

I said a few things about Brede Hangeland on a podcast with a Fulham fan who is a partner in crime, Tim Gellas, and you can listen to it on Fulham USA. Brede is a stud. He would be on a first team non-big four starting XI any day of the week.

On a more important note, here's an article on an FFC old timer, Geoff Horsfeld, who has overcome testicular cancer. He is fine now, apparently, and is still playing the game at the ripe old age of 35. The Horse is a footy lifer who couldn't imagine being away from the game, and long may that continue.